i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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