I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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