We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
