i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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