his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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