When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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