just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
