Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I will be naked everywhere
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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