Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
