did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
