i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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