3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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