I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
