I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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