After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
