So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize