I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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