Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
false alarm, still single
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize