I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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