Michael Bay diarrhea
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
