I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Those nachos came to me in a dream
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
