If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
