Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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