I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
