at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
