Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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