There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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