I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
