Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
