i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
