Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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