I'm so fucking centered right now
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
How does one acquire holy water?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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