Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
