So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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