mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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