You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
