So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
