If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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