I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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