Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
