Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
