First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
