His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
