you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
