You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
