Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
