just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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