She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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