is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
