By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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