if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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