it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
