I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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