It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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