I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize