I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
