You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
