I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
