The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
