I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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