Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
As shirtless as possible
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize