My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Who died my cat blue again?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
