My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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