jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
