My sheets look like a crime scene.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
